A Chapter From Memorial Stones Vol. 2
Chapter Six |
For your Maker is your husband – the Lord Almighty is His name – the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth .
(Isaiah 54:5)
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During my years of schooling, when many of my friends
were clamouring for relationships, I was more concerned about
getting an education. I guess I was a late bloomer. My eyes were focused on
that goal and I would not be distracted. I wanted to build a solid foundation
before embarking on a relationship which would lead to marriage. I valued my
independence and as such did everything that I could to ensure that I put in the groundwork which was necessary for that dream to become a
reality.
As a Christian, I wanted to follow the principles of the
Bible, as well as the example set by my parents who were married and living
with us children in the same house. I realized from
early, that that sort of family
structure was not the norm for everyone, but I wanted no less for myself and my
future children. Indeed, our family structure was a rarity, given the fact that
statistics have indicated that over 80% of children born in Jamaica were born
out of wedlock, the highest in the world, and 80% of households were headed by
women.
I started praying about marriage when I was about twenty
years old. Even though I knew I was not yet ready for a relationship, I thought
it prudent to submit the matter to God and allow Him to lead me in what I
realised was, next to becoming a follower of Christ, the most important decision one could ever make
in life (in my humble opinion). A
few years ago, I asked the Lord why, after so many years of praying I am still
not married. He reminded me that if I had gone ahead and done things my way
without asking for His guidance, I could very well have been married but would
not have been happy or maybe would have even been divorced. Looking back now, I
realized that even when I thought I was ready for marriage, I was deceiving
myself. I was far from ready. There was so much that I didn’t know and so much
that I needed to learn. I still had much to learn about myself, my purpose, God’s plan for marriage
and about life in general before considering sharing my life with someone
else.
In seeking to calm the fears of singles who express the desire for marriage, persons often twin the verses which say that when we delight ourselves in the Lord, He gives us the desires of our heart (Psalm 37:4) and no good thing will He withhold from them that walk uprightly (Psalm 84:11); meaning that God will give us marriage if we desire it and not withhold it from us. While that is true in one sense, in another, it is not. Yes, God sees our desire for marriage but he often withholds it for a season because He sees that we are not yet mature enough to handle it. If, in some cases, He were to give it to us at the particular time, it would destroy us. Timing is everything. A good thing at the wrong time can be just as destructive as a bad thing. God’s withholding of marriage is in this sense, a good thing for us because in His wisdom He is preventing us from biting off more than we can chew. He is saving us from ourselves. He is sovereign and He sees the beginning from the end and so even when we do not understand we can trust Him because He has our best interest at heart and He causes all things to work together for our good (Romans 8:28).
Throughout my life I had a notion in my head that I would be
married in my 20’s and certainly by the age of 29. This was born out of the
fact that both of my sisters got married in their 20’s. I assumed that the same
thing would happen for me, so I gave myself until age 29 to get married and not
a day later. Little did I know that my plan was not God’s plan. Year 29 has
long come and gone and I am still living my life as a single woman.
After completing my studies at university, I felt that it was
time to enter a relationship. I thought
I was ready as I had accomplished most of my educational goals and was now
gainfully employed. I believed that I had laid a strong enough foundation on
which to build the rest of my life. I
started to pray more earnestly, and because I wanted a relationship so badly, I told God that I
was willing to give it a try, even if it did not work out. And yes, they did
come, but they did not work out. I now realize that I sabotaged myself by
uttering the words ‘even
if it did not work out’. Death
and life are in the power of the tongue and those who love it will eat its
fruit (Proverbs 18:21). I spoke
death of my future relationships and ate the fruits thereof. As the Word also
declares in Mark 11:23, you will have
what you say. Words have creative power
so we must be careful of what we say. God sets the example for us back in Genesis when He spoke
the words that brought the world into existence. Whatever He spoke came
to be. When He said ‘let there be light’, light came forth. We are no
different. Our words shape our world.
So, after three failed relationships, I had had enough. I had
a serious talk with God as I did not want another relationship that ended
in failure. I decided that I would not
just go with any guy who came along wanting a relationship. I wanted to marry
someone who God had ordained for me to marry. That certainly would not come
easy, given the natural desire to receive instant gratification. But I was willing
and prepared to wait on God’s best for me.
It has been, and continues to be a challenging journey but I have learnt
some valuable lessons along the way. By the grace of God I am still standing
and will, with His help, continue to do so. I trust in God’s perfect plan for
my life and believe that at the right time He will bring the right person into
my life. His ways and thoughts are higher than mine (Isaiah 55:8-9).
A woman who has passed the age of thirty without being
married or having children is seen as an oddity. In some segments of the
Jamaican culture, such a woman is considered to be a mule, someone worthless,
someone who has failed. Such a woman is often pitied and ridiculed by other
women who have ‘achieved’ the status of motherhood. Societal pressure often
causes some women to succumb to the desire to bear children even though they do
not have the support system in place which creates a conducive atmosphere for
childbearing and childrearing. These factors are considered secondary and often they are NOT prepared for the enormous responsibilities
of parenthood. In their eyes, ‘getting a youth’ is the ultimate prize, one that
is to be attained at all costs.
I have had my fair share of ridicule and rejection because of
my stance of husband first, children after. I remember talking to a young man
from the community on one of my frequent visits home. He made the usual enquiry
‘yuh nuh have no kids yet?’ to which I responded in the negative. At my
response, he turned his face away and smiled, but not before I saw the mocking
smirk in his eyes. In another instance I was approached by a coworker - who
claimed to be a Christian - who
suggested that since I was getting old, I should consider having a child
out of wedlock and then ask God to forgive me. I flatly rejected that
suggestion. I remained undaunted. I decided that I would stand for what I
believed in and nothing would make me change my mind, as being single and
childless was certainly not the worse thing that could happen to me. I would
not be forced into making a decision to have a child in order to prove anything
to anyone.
I decided to take the road less travelled and have realized
that the price to pay is not an easy one. There have been
many times when my faith has wavered and I doubted that God would come through
for me in this area of my life. My pastor has often said that the thing that
you want the most is the thing you wait the longest for. You pray and
pray and don’t see the answer. But God has a purpose in the wait. He is
building character and patience in us. As we wait upon Him He renews our
strength, allowing us to run and not become weary and to walk and not faint (Isaiah 40:31).
After waiting for many years, I began to get frustrated. I
felt that I had waited long enough and that God should have come through for me
already. Most of my former classmates from primary school and high school were
now parents or grandparents and yet, here I was, with not even one
foot on the
ladder towards marriage
and parenthood. I
sometimes felt like a failure. Though I had achieved much in other areas of my life, that area remained stubborn
and would not budge. The desire to be married became almost an obsession. I was
so focused on it that at times I could think of nothing else. I was consumed
with the thought of getting married and it had become an idol in my life. I had to lay it down and repent, asking God
to forgive me and let His will for my life be done. And I had to do so a number
of times as ever so often, the frustration and anxiety got the better of
me.
Even in my frustration, I kept on serving and honouring God.
Along the way he would always send words of encouragement which refreshed my weary spirit and helped me to carry on. To those looking on,
everything seemed ok, but inside I was questioning God and asking why I had to
wait so long. It seemed like everyone else was getting married except me. I
wondered what cardinal sin I had committed why I was caught in this trap.
These were the thoughts in my heart as I headed to
Swallowfield Chapel for training one Saturday morning in 2018. I had
volunteered to be a counsellor at Fun in the Son, a Christian outreach event,
and was required to spend a day in training. I found it strange, but
interesting, that there was a scheduled message toward the end of the
training session. As I listened to the
speaker, I was convicted. The title of the message was ‘Change your Focus’ and
I knew that was God’s word for me in my current situation. I was overly focused
on the issue at hand instead of fixing my eyes on Him. I was encouraged and
challenged to focus less on my situation and more on God, allowing Him to work
things out in His time and in His way. As the Word says, he makes all
things beautiful in His time (Ecclesiastes
3:11).
The journey continues. I decided to adopt a new approach.
Even though I still had the desire for marriage, I realized that I could
not allow it to become an idol in my
life. There was so much more to life than marriage and so I decided to do
things differently. Rather than just praying and hoping, I decided to prepare
myself even as I served. Preparation for
any new phase of life is key and so I decided that part of my duty while
waiting for marriage was to prepare myself. It is indeed sad that many persons who get married
make great preparation for the wedding ceremony but give little or no thought
to preparing for marriage. I did not want to fall into that trap and so I did
all I could to get myself prepared. I read books and articles, watched videos, attended marriage and relationship
seminars and listened to marriage and family programs on Christian radio. My
eyes were opened to new information
and I was eager to learn all that I could.
In 2021, I began to follow a Christian marriage and
relationship expert on Youtube. Her content included prayers and teaching
sessions and question and answer sessions specifically geared for single women.
I became a consistent follower and eventually in 2022 participated in her
6-month marriage mentorship programme online. It was an eyeopener. For the
first time in my life I was being taught about God’s plan and intention for
marriage and the necessity to understand and be aligned with God’s plan for marriage. It also
looked at the role of the woman how she fits into
God’s plan of being a suitable helper to her husband and thus solving the
problem of him being alone. Together, the man and woman, who have been put
together by God will do great things in the earth as they together seek to
fulfil the dominion mandate given by God. The teaching was life changing and
provided a wealth of new information for
which I am truly grateful. I continue to pray for my future husband and my
future marriage in obedience to the Word of God in Proverbs 3:5-6 which says, ‘Trust
in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In
all thy ways acknowledge Him and He will direct thy path’.
At the time of writing, my prayer for a spouse has still not
been answered, but I am trusting
God that He will come through for me as he cannot lie. (Numbers 23:19). I am learning to trust Him and wait patiently for
Him. I know that my character and patience are being developed.
It is said that God doesn’t always calm the storm; He sometimes calms
His child. I can testify to that.
I am still living single but my attitude has changed and I
know that God is working on me. He is not through with me yet. In January of 2021, I had a dream in which my
car was at the garage. At the end of the process the car looked spanking brand
new. I could not believe my eyes. I woke up from the dream with a knowing in my
spirit that God was sending me an important message. He was working on me and
preparing me for ministry. To God be the
glory! Great things He has done and will continue to do.
One of the major lessons that I have learnt along this
journey is that I should not compare myself to anyone else. I am a unique
individual and God has a distinct plan for me. I have my own race to run and
therefore I must focus on my lane and not waste time and energy looking at another. His plan for me is
different from the plans for others
and so it is quite silly to compare myself to others. We all have different
paths in life and we progress at different speeds. So, the fact that my sisters
got married early has nothing to do with me. God has a different plan for me
and by His grace I will carry it out. I am now at a place of peace and rest in
God. I know that God is in control and that in His time, He will do it and it
will be worth the wait. It is better to marry late than to marry wrong. R. C.
Blakes, in his video ‘How to Attract
your Soulmate’, makes a profound statement that ‘wives wait; girlfriends go for
anything’. I see myself as a wife, so I am willing to wait for God’s best
instead of settling for less than I deserve.
God has sharpened my discernment and has helped me to hear
His voice more clearly as I rely on His guidance in this area of my life. He
has swiftly exposed the wolves in sheep’s clothing that have come my way lately
and has saved me from making mistakes which would have proved quite costly in
the long run. I will briefly share one particular instance with you.
In March 2022, I met a young man who was quite charming,
fitting the classic ‘tall, dark and handsome’ description. Let’s call him Don. He was a smooth talker
with an oily tongue, and he was the type who could sell ice to an Eskimo. We
soon developed a friendship and could talk for hours about any and everything.
He told me that he was also a Christian and even told me the name of the church
he ‘supposedly’ attended. Within a few
months he began to express and interest in us having more than a friendship. I
was a bit wary, because though he professed Christianity, I was not seeing the
godly fruit being manifested in
his life. I had also seen some posts on his social media pages that left me
uncomfortable. When I questioned him about it, he claimed that they were from
his past and that he was now giving his relationship with God priority and
giving it the full hundred (100%).
I was not convinced, but not wanting to judge him, I decided
to give him the benefit of the doubt. I committed the matter to prayer and
sought the help of friends and a few family members in praying about the
situation. I prayed for God to reveal the heart of this man and He certainly
did. One of the clearest signs yet was the fact that each time I visualized
him, he had two faces. Will the real Don stand up? I grew increasingly
uncomfortable as I took this to mean that he was literally being ‘two-faced’ or
deceptive.
I stepped up my prayers and within two months, I had two
unexpected telephone conversations with two different persons who knew him
well, revealing very troubling information about him, and confirming what I had
felt in my spirit. Around the same time, I watched two YouTube videos and the
same passage John 4:18, where Jesus
told the woman at the well that that the man she was with was not her husband.
The scripture jumped out at me and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God
was giving me the answer I was seeking. I knew this man was not my husband. He
was not sent by God. He was a counterfeit sent by the enemy. I wasted no time in sending him on his
merry way. I had no time to waste. God had come through for me once again. To
Him be all the glory and honour. He never fails!
Being single is not an easy road but by the
grace of God you can do it. According to Matthew
6:33, Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these
things will be added to you’. I
encourage you to find your place in the Kingdom and serve. Find your purpose
and fulfil it so that your mind can be fully occupied, leaving less time for
boredom and distraction. Do not be anxious. Be at rest and allow God to work as hard as it is. Do not take matters into your hands, especially when you get frustrated. Rash
and hasty decisions made from a place of desperation will lead to frustration
and regret in the long run. Allow Him to write your love story. Step back and
allow Him to make the right choice for you in His perfect timing. Be guided by 1 Samuel 16: 7 which says, ‘Man
looks at the outward appearance but God looks at the heart’. Do not be
deceived. Learn to rest in God’s
unchanging and unconditional love. Seek to bask in His love first.
Remember that the Word says ‘For your Maker is your husband - the LORD Almighty is his name - the
Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth’
(Isaiah 54:5). Encourage yourself in the Lord as David did. Know that you
are not defined by your marital
status. You have worth whether single or married. Your worth is in who God says
you are and He says you are blessed and highly favoured. He says that you are fearfully
and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).
Singleness is a blessing. Enjoy your time of singleness and
see it as a blessing instead of a curse. As a single person, your time is your
own and you have control over it, thus determining how you spend it. It is the
time to build a firm and solid foundation for marriage by dedicating yourself fully to God,
developing intimacy with Him and serving Him by serving others.
In this season, maximize the use of your time by doing your
part in building the Kingdom of God. Marriage brings additional responsibilities that detract from
your time, making your time divided. According to 1 Corinthians 7:34, ‘the
single woman is more concerned about the things of the Lord, but the married woman is concerned
about pleasing her husband. It is
therefore imperative to use your season
of singleness wisely as the time you have lost can never be regained.
It is the time to find and know yourself. When you find yourself, you make
yourself a good thing and put yourself in a position to be found by someone
who, in addition to finding you, will receive favour from the Lord (Proverbs
18:22). Find you!
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